In Stephen Covey’s Seven Habits of Highly Effective People, he talks about being proactive as the foundation for everything else. Without our belief and practice that we are response-able (able to respond), our effectiveness will be dramatically limited.
So, are we proactive or reactive? Our self awareness of our language can help us determine how we see ourselves as proactive or reactive people. I have said all the things below and continue to do so on occasion, but now I have tools to recognize them and adjust.
The below section is taken directly from the book as I found it to be so profoundly clear and striking that I did not want to modify it.
- Well, thats just me, thats the way I am. – Reactive, absolves me of responsibility.
- He makes me so mad – I am not responsible, my emotional life is garnered by outside control.
- I can’t do that, I just don’t have the time – Something outside me, limited time is controlling me.
- If only my wife was more patient – Someones behavior is limiting my effectiveness.
- I have to do it – Circumstances or other people are forcing me to do what I do. I am not free to chose my actions.
| Reactive | Proactive |
| There’s nothing I can do | Lets look at the alternatives |
| Thats just the way I am | I can choose a different approach |
| He makes me so mad | I control my own feelings |
| They wont allow that | I can create an effective presentation |
| I have to do that | I will choose an appropriate response |
| I can’t | I choose |
| I must | I prefer |
| If only | I will |
The whole point of the above language and the underlying trigger is a transfer of responsibility. If we transfer responsibility for our own actions to other people or circumstances, then we chain ourselves to those things. If we own the responsibility, then we choose our actions, our effectiveness, our emotions (which does include happiness). It’s a bitter pill to swallow sometimes to say, that is my fault, I am responsible and I was irresponsible. It is also amazingly freeing and empowering to do so!