Effective Negotiation – Emotions

We are human and we feel fear, anger, and happiness (amongst other feelings). If we recognize, bring to the forefront, and even embrace these emotions, we can not only negotiate more effectively but also strengthen connections.

Recognize emotions

Recognize your emotions and theirs. Are you nervous, angry, afraid? How does the other person feel? Think how you might want to feel, confident, relaxed and do the same for the other person. Keep in mind that even if a person is representing an organization, they still have these feelings related to their own careers, interests, etc. It may be helpful to write these down as a way to focus on these emotions and make them more concrete and accessible to the analytical part of your mind.

Source of emotions

Think about why these emotions are happening. Why are people angry? Is it because of past issues? Are there problems at home? Did a person not get a lot of sleep the night before?

For example when certain neighbors in the Middle East where trying to figure out issues related to water, both of them saw it as a struggle for survival. When a person is fearing for their life, it makes it hard to be rational and resolve problems.

Core Concerns

There are 5 basic concerns during a negotiation that drive emotions.

1 Autonomy – Being able to make your own choices

2 Appreciation – To be recognized and valued

3 Affiliation – To be an accepted member of a peer group

4 Role – To have a meaningful purpose

5 Status – To be fairly seen and acknowledged

Stepping on these interest can generate strong negative emotions. Paying attention to them can build strong relationships and a good climate for negotiation.

Sense of Identity

Everyone has a sense of who they are. You can think of yourself as a kind and just person. If someone points out something you did or are asking for which is counter to this self image, it causes an internal conflict and emotions. Is your self image incorrect? Did you make a mistake that is not consistent with your self image? This can happen to the other person as well but is harder to recognize.

Talk about emotions

Make the emotions explicit and talk about them. Talk about your fear and the other persons potential feelings. For example, you can say “We are concerned about the agreement”. “We think that even if we come to an agreement it might not be kept”. “Rational or not, that is how we feel”. Ask if the other person feels the same or different.

This allows both sides to express themselves and get the emotions out on the table (i.e. let out steam). Don’t interrupt when someone lets off steam. Listen quietly and let them finish. In one negotiation the parties decided that only one person could be angry at a time. This made it legitmate for people not to respond when one person was expressing anger. For example “It’s ok, its Johny’s turn to be angry” When emotions are expressed and understood, it frees the parties to then focus on problem solving.

Symbolic Gestures

When people are angry, doing a simple reconciliation gesture goes a long way. Bringing a red rose, a note of sympathy, a statement of regret, shaking hands, embracing, bringing a present for a grand child, or eating a meal together. All these acts are of little cost to the person presenting them and can make a large emotional impact. An apology can also go a long way, even if you do not acknowledge personal responsibility or intention to harm.

These gestures must be genuine and come from the heart. Just saying or doing any of these gestures without a real feeling that you care, will back fire and come across empty.

Communication

Obviously communication is the foundation of any negotiation. Even couples that have lived together for 30 years still have misunderstandings every day. Hence, finding poor communication between people who don’t know each other is not surprising. You should always expect that the other person heard something different than what you said.

Often people have given up on communication and so are not trying to understand each other or speak to each other to be understood. They are going through the motions so they look like they are doing their job and in a lot of cases to try to manipulate the situation or the audience to their side.

In some cases, when different cultures are involved, what is a positive in one culture is a negative in another. For example “Mediator” in the USA means a person who can help 2 parties find a solution. In Persia, “Mediator” means meddler, someone who is barging in uninvited.

Seek to understand before being understood

Listen emphatically for content and emotion and paraphrase what you understood to the other party and ask questions when confused to ensure you understood correctly. Then seek to be understood by expressing yourself and ensuring the other party understands what you have said. Do this with a perspective of working together with the other person to reach a win-win solution.

You must show that you understood, first, so they know you understood. That way when its time for them to listen, they know you are expressing your point of view, and its not that you did not understand them initially. If they don’t feel understood, they’ll just say, “you don’t understand” instead of listening to you.

Understanding is not agreeing. If you can explain their case, better than they can, and then refute it or show a different aspect, it will be much more effective.

Limit the size of the meeting

You may find that its often more productive to have less people than more. Often when people leave delegations behind and spend time together, they can make much more progress.

State how you feel

When stating opinions frame it as how you feel. If you make a statement about them they feel is untrue, they will get angry and stop listening to you. “I feel let down”, instead of “you broke your word”. “We feel discriminated against” instead of “You are a racist”. You convey the same information without provoking a challenge.

Have a purpose

Know what you want to communicate or find out before speaking. Sharing information that does not have a purpose could make things more complicated. For example, telling the buyer you are willing to settle for $100 when they are thinking of $150 could make it more challenging.

Build a good relationship before the negotiation

Having a good relationship and trust with someone before a negotiation is massively helpful. The person you are talking to is not a “them”, they are human and you know them. This knowledge and relationship makes it easier for both sides to seek to understand each other and come up with a mutual beneficial solution. Meet informally, arrive early and chat, linger after the negotiation session is over.

Face the problem

See each other as partners, working together, to solve a mutual problem. You can literally sit on the same side of the table, say you are looking for a mutual beneficial solution, and act with the intent to do this.

In our next article we’ll discuss on the difference between Positions (the solution you want) and Interests (the things you actually care about) and how to negotiate with focus on the interests of both sides to move towards a mutually beneficial solution.

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